Hmm?

So what the hell another day another time but I'm back again. Everyone know's life change's constantly well i wish it would change in my favor, I can't ever seem to find anyone worth a fuck, honestly I wish people would just listen to me when I tell them something I'm right it may not be right for you but it's right for me , why can't people just accept that and move on, you know i sat there and listened to you when shit was bad i comforted you when you needed it, whatever because I like helping people, it's not something i do for everyone somehow that seems to get twisted, it's not my duty to help you feel better to make you happy, don't assume just because i do it i have to keep doing this stuff for you. This may sound selfish but it works just like any other input/output device, you've got to give me something for me to do that and if I'm not getting it I'm gunna stop doing that there's nothing unfair about that, I'm not gunna give my everything when I'm not getting anything in return for it and I'm not talking about material things all of that is neither here nor there, i want to feel good i want to be happy and i'm looking for someone to do that for me and if it's not here i'm gunna find it somewhere else.

WHAT!!!! The chicken flew the coup, well you know what im gunna hunt that motherfucker down.

So it's been a pretty good while since i've wrote in this thing, figured its about time to grace these wonderful collections of numeric codes reorganized into visual images, well alots changed in the past few months since i last wrote, disappointed again by someone i've known for 8 years of my life i knew better and i dont blame anyone but myself and her slightly i just need to leave her in the past where she belongs, i've been workin like a dog but the money's worth it for now, i just wanted to write in here and get a little off my chest basically vent i guess in a well informed manner if i can, I am tired of always being depended on and no one's there for me to depend on does anyone ask if im ok nope they all just spew out they're problems to me this is wrong thats wrong fix this, help me finsih this up, and when you do all that then go fuck yourself cause pretty much everything is more important other than when i need you to help me feel better this applys to alot of people thats how i feel, I'm just to much of a worry you've got something more important to do or not enough so on and so forth well guess what motherfuckers i have things to do i have stuff going on i have alot of shit stressing me out usually, just cause the doors open doesn't mean you can just walk in and out of it whenver, cause one day that doors gunna shut and either you gunna stuck on the outside or you gunna be stuck on the inside, i'm just tired honestly of doing things and you expecting people might one day do the same for me when i need, dont fool yourself people think about themselves first. Alot of people it seems like want your help when they're down or having a hard time well i dont feel bad sayin no anymore i dunno how many times i've layed in the mud face down drowning and been trying my best to say i need help i need someone to talk to for more than five minutes cause i've had a really bad day or am depressed apparently that is way to much to ask and doesnt make sense to anyone except maybe one person EP, so i've ranted enough, if you read this thanks for reading :) if not well it doesnt matter.

Friends

Bright light almost blinding, black night still there shining,
I can't stop, keep on climbing, looking for what I knew.

Had a friend, she once told me, "You got love, you ain't lonely,"
Now she's gone and left me only looking for what I knew.

Mmm, I'm telling you now, The greatest thing you ever can do now,
Is trade a smile with someone who's blue now, It's very easy just...

Met a man on the roadside crying, without a friend, there's no denying,
You're incomplete, they'll be no finding looking for what you knew.

So anytime somebody needs you, don't let them down, although it grieves you,
Some day you'll need someone like they do, looking for what you knew.

Mmm, I'm telling you now, The greatest thing you ever can do now,
Is trade a smile with someone who's blue now, It's very easy just...



This is probaly in my top five songs of all time, I figured I would share it anywho.

Luminis

We've known each other only a few months if you use time as a measurement of knowing.
That doesn't seem to accurately describe how long we've known each other or how well we know each other.
I feel like maybe i've known you alot longer we just weren't able to communicate.
Maybe we have been communicating all these years through some unknown mean's of communication.
Maybe we've been standing there oblivous to the other's prescence all this time communicating through silence.
Well we don't have to communicate through that mean's anymore, we've found other ways to communicate.
Our relationship could be complicated to someone standing outside looking in.
We're on the inside though me and you we can see it plain as day, we love and care about each other every second every minute every day and every year.
I think why it may seem complicated to other's is because they dont have our light, rememeber our light?
I do and I know you do as well, it light's our way every single day, our path maybe dark, menacing or bright and wonderous both at times, but I'm still there holding you hand and your squeezing back in confirmation.
We have our light could you imagine how dark it would be without our light?
So we have to keep going me and you, there's still dark corner's and darkened space's of unknown expanse to explore together.
We may not know whats in them until we illuminate them,but we've got our light so let's use it.
We're still exploring still learning still moving forward in the darkness,our heart,soul and mind connected, being guided by that certain light created by us for us.


Baby, I just wanna show you what a clear view
It is from every bend in the road
As I was and really would be for you too, honey
As you would for me
Oh, I would share your load
Let me share your load
Oh, let me share, share your load
And if you feel that you can't go on
In the light you will find the road
The winds of change may blow around you
But that will always be so
When love is pain it can devour you
But you are never alone
I will share your load
I will share your load
Baby, let me, let me
In the light
Everybody needs a light
Oh baby, in the light, in the light, in the light....

I love you.

My Reality

What would you do if your whole world turned upside down if everything you believe was actually false and everything you didnt believe was actually true.The things you see and touch and do may not be real you know where do we get our conception's of what is real. Thats what worries me i dont really know whats real. I feel like maybe when i die I'll realize what's real I'll realize that I'm dead now that'll be real or atleast thats what i believe. My realities blurred when i was younger it was so cut and dry this is real this isnt dont worry about this because it isn't real you know. Nowawadays i'm not not really sure of whats real there's only a few things i know thats real for a fact thats concrete harder than anything else, unbreakable and always will be but really i dont know if I'm real anymore i think maybe i'm just a creation of everyone else like maybe I'm just being imprinted upon but sometimes i do feel like I'm a creation of myself like i've completly created myself no one else can claim this, no one can have that kind of power over me i wont let them if they try and claim it I can promise them they'll be in for way more than they ever imagined. I'm pretty good at deducing truth's because of the mere fact i hate deceptions. Sometimes i feel thats a bad thing because i question everything i persecute it and interoggate it untill it hates me and tells me the truth out of spite, i guess it just really hurts I value truth alot and so much of life is a deception, but what is truth really if i live like this does it mean anything honestly if I'm pushing things so hard just to get to what is really true the core of the apple you might say, if I'm pushing these things over and over eventually they'll break or confirm my belief's which is a terrible thing. Why am i so concerned with these truth's? because i NEED to know the truth even if it destroys me i have to know the truth of it. I also want to know because i dont want to be living in a deception i want everything to be real and if it's not the truth it's just not real don't fool yourself into a lie because thats not real it's not living but then again who knows whats real and whats not but i know whats real for me and i have to know the truth to keep these things real for me.

Help

What do you do when you wanna help someone, do you comfort them and tell them everything is gunna be alright that seems kinda shallow, but what else can you do? Well i'll tell you what you can do you can be there for them regardless of everything be there support pillar something they can lean on even when they don't realize they're falling over you need to be there to push them back up even if they dont realize your pushing them back up. You stand strong hold them close and never let them go whatever obstacles may get in the way you overcome them because really they're supporting you, if you'll notice your also leaning at an angle to support them so if they were'nt there you would fall over as well, I'm willing to to risk falling over to be honest because i know it's worth it in the end it really is worth it. Sure you may both fall on your face but you'll be laying there together so what does it really matter? I know someone i would do anything for special isnt even the word to describe this person to me, soulmate, other half maybe these are words to describe this person but there's so much more to this person than just words i feel like i should invent a new word to describe her and how she makes me feel, I should just create a completly new word that would fit her but i dont think that's possible describing what she means to me how she makes me feel what she does for me isnt possible and i feel like maybe it isnt conveyed to her maybe that's why i want to make this new word. I know one thing I'm gunna be there for her regardless I dont care what it take's what sacrifice's i have to make what things i might gain, none of that matter's what matter's to me is that she lets me be there for her and help her when she needs it that feels wonderful better than wonderful actually i guess i might need to create a new word for it to but thats for another day and another time. I love you.

Trying

I try.

I try to do the best i can.
I try to make you as happy as i can.
I try to make your life happier and brighter.
I try and I will never quit trying for you.
I try even when I'm sinking and drowning i still try for you.

I am drowning, drowning in my own sorrow, in my own helplessness.
I am drowning and who's gunna save me, does anyone even care to.

Maybe they just don't know I'm drowning.
Maybe I'm not flailing about enough not making enough racket to draw their attention.

I'm still drowning though and i know no one's gunna save me.
I'm still drowning and maybe it's ok to drown.

When i drown maybe they'll realize i was sinking at a pace faster than the speed of sound.
When i drown what's gunna happen is everything gunna be alright then.

Maybe I'm just drowning to fast for anyone to realize it.
Maybe I just dont matter enough to be pulled to safety.

Right before i drown maybe that's when i'll be saved but by then it'll be to late for anyone to try and save me.
Right before the last bit of oxygen is absorbed into my bloodstream and i scream for help but no one will be able to hear by then I'll be to far gone, maybe that's when I'll be worth saving.